One Wish Granted

The last day of school, Brenden wasn't feeling so great. By dinner time he was lying on the floor, lethargic, and burning up. I packed him into the car, which he was extremely upset about, and headed over to the after hours clinic.

Thankfully it had just opened and was completely empty. We only waited a few minutes before we were walked back into an exam room. I was not at all surprised that his temperature was 103.3 and they immediately gave him some ibuprofen. However, I was definitely surprised they sent in a nurse that had obviously not had much experience in swabbing children's throats for strep. Not 5 seconds after he finished, and conveniently right after he left, Brenden started throwing up all over the room. The poor guy couldn't stop. I felt so bad for him!

It wasn't long before the results were back...positive for strep. Poor guy! Unfortunately for him (and fortunately for me) his doctor recommended a S-H-O-T (yep...she's smart and spelled it out) and I completely agreed. Ten days of oral medication to stop him from throwing up and then for the strep or one shot? He was not at all happy with my decision.

And now you're wondering why I titled this post "One Wish Granted". Don't worry...I'm getting there. :)

We decided a long time ago to never lie to Brenden when it came to what was going on at the doctor's office. I want him to trust me, even if it means he's going to be upset with me. And believe me, he was very upset with me. I decided that this rough day deserved a big reward so I pulled out the big guns. "Brenden if you can be brave and get this shot, not only will you feel better but I will order you a Hydro Bow."

The change in his attitude was immediate. "Really, mommy??? My very own? Um...okay."

He was still upset about getting the shot, but not quite as much as he had been. I think I was more upset that the not-so-experienced nurse was the one they sent in holding the syringe. (With someone to explain how to administer the shot...seriously?!)

I'm pretty sure I don't have to tell you just how awful that shot was...for everyone involved.

Five minutes later he was a different kid. He wasn't quite as feverish, he was smiling, and high-fived the nurses when they came back into the room. Somehow I even got him to agree that the shot was a good idea! He also wanted me to show them the Hydro Bow on my phone and made sure they knew he was getting it because he was "so brave!"

This weekend, he got his reward. :)

Worth it...

 

Narcolepsy Update; Alternate Title: ZZzzzz

As I sit here typing this post, my eyes are trying to close. The neurologist I visited about my migraines (Which are SO much better after seeing the chiropractor that he thought I was crazy to keep my appointment. We ended up talking about the Army and politics.) called what happens to me "sleep attacks" and that is the most accurate way I can explain them. I'll be doing something normal and then BAM...I have to sit down and if I'm not careful I start nodding off. I can start off a day feeling completely energized and ready to take on the world and within an hour I can barely force myself off of the couch.

In short, this SUCKS.

My first medication, Nuvigil (which sounds like a feminine product to me...eww), definitely made a difference, but it wasn't in a good way. Yes, I had more energy. So much energy that I could. not. stop. moving. It was terrible. It got to the point where I was having anxiety attacks and was so shaky that I had to bounce my legs for hours. Yep, that medicine was out.

The medicine I'm on now, Focalin, is primarily used to treat ADD and ADHD. This strikes me as funny because my brother was on Ritalin for years to treat his ADHD and when it would kick in you could tell because his body would slump and it was almost as if he was in a trance. It's supposed to have the opposite effect on me, which it has, but not with great results. I knew it was speeding up my heart rate and my blood pressure, but I didn't expect it speed up my metabolism. Sounds like a great side effect, huh? Not so much for my crazy body. I'm not losing weight, but I am metabolizing other medications more quickly. It's really bad when you're on Zoloft for anxiety and depression and one of your main symptoms is fatigue and weight gain, which have been fine for months, and now...awful.

(Side note: I'm not sure I have PPD but rather actual anxiety/depression. I don't think I'll ever be off of antidepressants, and I'm okay with that. When I'm on the right dose, I feel normal...which is amazing.)

It only took a week or so on the Focalin for the depression to kick back in, but I didn't recognize it at first. I thought it was a normal PMS type thing and boy was I wrong. When I continued to get worse, could not kick the weepy, unmotivated feelings, it became obvious that I'm not where I should be medication-wise. Off to the doctor!

Me: "I'm on doctor prescribed speed and I'm gaining weight. I think I'm the only person on the planet that has this ability. Also...help?"

Doctor: "Um...yeah. That's not right. Let's figure this out."

Up goes the dose of Zoloft, which I am now maxed out on. Not sure how this will go, but at least we're making changes and I won't be stuck in this awful hole. I hate switching medications so my fingers are crossed that this evens me out.

Until I'm where I should be, please forgive me if I lose track of time, fall asleep when I should be doing something important, or cry for no reason at all. I promise, I'm working on it.

How about some cute kids pictures to make up for it? Okay? Here ya go!

Snap, Crackle, Pop

It was always the same thing, different day. Tim gets home from work, I'm on the couch, clutching my head, wishing the pounding would just stop.

"I'm sorry, honey. There is so much that I should have done today but I just can't. My head is killing me."

He was always so understanding. He gave me a chance to take a bath to relax or found my medicine for me when I couldn't bear to lift my head. He drove me to the ER when my head felt as though someone was banging on my skull from the inside. He took off work so that I could sleep off a shot of pain meds after 3 days of crazy pain.

And then he didn't make too much fun of me when I decided to take several friends' advice and visit a chiropractor.

It's not often that I get to say the words life changing and mean it. Meeting Tim that November night, seeing the two blue lines in the bathroom in Colorado, Lauren practically pushing her way out with her feet on my ribs...all life changing. My first chiropractic appointment? I didn't cry with happiness, but still...life changing.

It was obvious to my doctor, without even touching me, that I had limited movement on the left side of my neck. I've had a knot there forever and the base of my skull was always sore. When he finally felt around he was actually said, "Whoa!" He said he wouldn't normally have adjusted me without x-rays, but he wanted me to feel a little better.

When I went back to find out what the x-rays showed it was clear, even to my untrained eye, that my spine was twisted. He also determined that I have a rib that is out of place, which I've been treating as heartburn for a very long time. Yes, I thought it was heartburn, but only because a doctor told me that's what was going on. Plus, the part of the rib that attaches to the front of my chest is sore and inflamed. Makes sense!

I've been to see Dr. Harris at least once a week since that first appointment and I can say, with confidence, that for the first time in years I am headache FREE! I can breathe, I can move without pain, I can go more than a day without pain medication!

I know that seeing a chiropractor can be expensive and I know that it's not for everyone. For me though, it's been amazing.

I've also taken Brenden and Lauren to see him. They may not fully understand what is going on, or particularly like it, but I know that it's helping!

So a big THANK YOU to Dr. Harris and his wonderful assistant. Also, a huge thanks to Kasey, my friend that gave me Dr. Harris's information. I owe you big, Kasey!

Sleep Study Diagnonsis

After months of doctor appointments, test taking, whining, logging my sleep history, more testing, a lot more whining, etc, I finally have a diagnosis for my crazy exhaustion.

I have narcolepsy. 

No, really. I have it. Not the fall down in the middle of a sentence and start snoring (a la the Narcoleptic Argentinian in Moulin Rouge or that chick in Deuce Bigalow) or the type where I have to wear a helmet because I may hurt myself, it just means that my body doesn't make enough hypocretins (orexins).

Hypocretins (orexins): These neurotransmitters are involved in the regulation of the sleep/wake cycle as well as other bodily functions (e.g., blood pressure and metabolism). Further research has shown that the majority of hypocretin-producing cells, located in the hypothalamus, have been destroyed in the brains of those who develop narcolepsy with cataplexy. Scientists have confirmed that narcolepsy with cataplexy is caused by this loss of hypocretins. The cause(s) of narcolepsy without cataplexy are unknown. Further research is needed to determine why hypocretin cells are destroyed and to identify the exact trigger(s) of both forms of narcolepsy. (found via NarcolepsyNetwork.org)

I don't have cataplexy, which is the sudden loss of muscle control and happens in more extreme cases, but everything else fits. I also have Circadian Rhythm Disorder, which just means that my body wants to fall asleep later at night and not wake up until later in the morning. (Um...so that's why being a bartender was good for me) My doctor decided my brain is on California time while my body is in Oklahoma. Nope, I'm not an insomniac. I just live in the wrong state. :)

Looking at my sleep test was strange. When I thought it took me a long time to fall asleep, it really only took a minute or two (and one time only 26 seconds!) and I was surprised to see that I slept during all 5 naps. I also experienced REM sleep 3 out of the 5 naps, which is really what solidifies the diagnosis. Most people without a sleep disorder would not hit REM sleep within the 20 minutes I was allowed to nap. I showed very little time in NREM (non-REM) sleep, which was an Ah Ha! moment for me. I often have nights where I feel like I don't get any sleep because I'm constantly dreaming. Makes sense!

So we just take some hypocretin replacement pills, right? Wrong. They haven't figured out how to effectively do that, yet. Instead I'm taking medication to help "wake up" the rest of my body and hopefully make life easier. So far, I just feel kind of out of it, but that should subside in a few days. I just want to have one day where I feel what other people's "normal" feels like, and not my "normal", which includes headaches, an absolute need to sleep, and grumpiness associated with it all.

So if you see me nodding off or yawning during an important meeting or when you're trying to tell me something I absolutely need to know, please don't think I'm being rude. My brain just hates me and has killed off my lovely hypocretins.

Fingers crossed that the meds help and that I can get some kind of relief soon.

Zzzzz (Alternate Title: Did my doctor just call me stupid?)

I've had a bad relationship with sleep for as long as I can remember. I have a very vivid memory of watching the clock all night when I was about 7 years old. Add to that the fact that I loved reading and had no problems staying up late to finish a book in one night and you have one sleepy me.

I've never understood how someone could fall asleep reading or be able to pass right out after closing their eyes. (Yep, Tim does both of those all the time.) I can't count sheep or just "stare at the back of my eyelids" until I drift off. My brain has to be exhausted or it takes me hours to fall asleep.

I asked my doctor for a referral to a sleep doctor and they got me in as soon as they could...THREE MONTHS LATER. I have never known a doctor to be so busy. The day of my appointment was insanity. I was given the wrong address completely and ended up having to drive all the way back across town to his second location. I was sure he would end up being rude since I was almost 30 minutes late (I've had some bad doctors in the past, obviously) but instead he was extremely nice and apologized for my inconvenience.

He recommended a sleep test to see if I was experiencing sleep apnea, had strange sleep patterns or any number of awful sounding things that could cause my exhaustion. After a lovely night with a million wires and barely any sleep the test showed that I have hyposomnia, which means it takes a really long time to fall asleep. I'm pretty sure I already knew that, which was ridiculously frustrating.

Oh yes...that's hot.

I'm still not sure how I slept like this.

At my follow up appointment, which took another MONTH, he explained that there are two things that he thinks I could be suffering from, a mild form of Narcolepsy or Idiopathic Hyposomnia. That was the point where I asked if he had just called me an idiot. Thankfully, it just means that I'm tired all the time but they don't know why. Helpful! To figure out which it is I get to take yet another test, an MSLT (Multiple Sleep Latency Test) which is done during the day. I'm going to hang out at their sleep testing center all day and every two hours they give me a chance to nap for 20 minutes. I'll get more sets of wires, although not as many, which is one plus I guess. 

I'm not sure what the treatment will be or if it will even help, but I do know that I'm tired of being tired and over feeling like my head is swimming. I'm not sure I've ever felt rested and I'm ready to know what that actually feels like. Who knows, maybe I'll become the awesome mother, housekeeper and cook that I've always hoped to be.

Or maybe it will make me even crazier. Either way, more energy = GOOD. :)

Bye, bye knot!

First off, I just have to say THANK YOU to everyone that had us in their thoughts and prayers today. I had no idea how very anxious I was about the whole thing and it really calmed me down knowing there were so many people with Lauren on their mind. We are all relieved to have the hardest part, the surgery, behind us and I think she's well on her way to recovering nicely.

******************

(All sorts of words about how we found out about the knot, the first results, realizing that the first diagnosis probably wasn't right, pictures of the crazy knot, the cat scan, and the final results that led to her surgery today.)

Once again we found ourselves up bright and early headed to Hillcrest with Lauren. As usual, she was her happy bubbly self, singing and laughing all the way there. Checking in was quick and the pre-op was easy since it was exactly the same as the pre-op for her tubes. The main difference was the fact that she can walk now, but she surprised me by staying very close to us and not freaking out about being there again. She calmly went to one of the nurses and waved bye bye to us without any tears.

That's when the weight of all the worrying really hit me. It was terrifying to think about what they were going to have to do to remove that knot. I expected it to feel like the minutes were barely creeping by, but the hour and a half went very quickly. Dr. Guy came out to get us himself and said that it went about as well as it could. The cyst was completely removed, as well as her hyoid bone, which will all be biopsied. There was very little bleeding, a very small incision, so she didn't need a drain, which would have meant she was going to be admitted to the hospital at least overnight.

She wasn't completely awake when we went back and they had just given her some more medicine so she could relax. She was moaning a bit in her sleep but that was much easier to deal with than the ear piercing screams after her tubes and cat scan. It took about an hour before she really started waking up and she stayed drowsy all morning.

I'm still surprised at how small the bandage is and that it doesn't seem to bother her as much as I expected. She's asked us to take the tape off several times, which really just breaks my heart. She was also starving but we were told she was only allowed liquids and pureed food, and the packets of applesauce and smooshed bananas really weren't cutting it. I imagine she'll jump up and down tomorrow when she's allowed a cracker.

We had a very relaxed day and Lauren and I are going to take it easy tomorrow and Sunday, as well. I expect we will watch Pocoyo, Little Einsteins, and Elmo at least 294 more times, but as long as she's calm, I'm happy!

Daddy makes a good footrest.

I'm so thankful that everything went so well and that it's over. Now to focus on all the happy things. New House! (Closing scheduled for Tuesday!) Christmas! A new (to us) car!

Oh, you didn't know we got a different car? Guess I'll have to write about that later. :)

Results

Finally had Lauren's appointment to find out the results of her cat scan. It's definitely a Thyroglossal Duct Cyst, which is thankfully never cancerous. It's about 2 cm, almost an inch, so it's considered small but on such a tiny person it seems huge. He actually said that it can get bigger or smaller throughout the day, but not noticeably from what I've seen. 

When babies are growing in utero, their thyroid starts at the base of their tongue. As they get closer to their due date it moves down the neck, leaving a sort of tunnel that usually closes. On some people it doesn't close and can collect fluid, creating a knot, that can become infected if it's not treated. Once it's infected it is much more difficult to remove. They will end up removing her hyoid bone, which will not limit her in any way, and that should keep it from happening again. He said there is less than a 10% chance of re-occurrence by doing that. 

We scheduled her surgery for December 2nd (that's going to be a busy month!) but we don't have a time yet. I'm not sure if she'll stay overnight or not yet, but I do know she'll have a drain. Hopefully someone can take Brenden that weekend so we can make sure he doesn't accidentally do anything to hurt her. Plus she'll need a lot of attention and that's hard to do with both of them. 

We would do it sooner but her cat scan showed something that looked like pneumonia on her right lung. She's not showing any signs of being sick, but he wants to put her on antibiotics so they can be sure she's fine when they do surgery. Also, he'll be out of town right before Thanksgiving and he doesn't want to be gone while she's recovering. He doesn't believe waiting will hurt her at all. 

So that's the plan! Not the most horrible thing ever but not fun. 

Thank goodness for answers!

Dear Doctor...

Dear Dr. [name redacted because I'm not that mean]:

It's been more than a year that you and I have been trying to solve my issues. It's been a long, painful, arduous journey that has effected several aspects of my life. I've done everything you've asked me to. Been to many appointments, tried all the remedies you've required, and even endured surgery, only to be left in pain.

I've felt as though you have not really listened to me when I explained my situation. I know that you blatantly ignored something that I asked you to address, actually telling me that you believed it was "much better now" after you "fixed" it. (I don't believe that for a second.) Many times you acted as though you were grasping at straws, just trying to placate me and expecting me to deal with it since I was just the dumb patient and you were the all powerful doctor. You never really seemed to know what you were doing and more than once caused me pain that I know was unnecessary.

And so, when I decided to seek a second opinion, I didn't think you'd be surprised. After all I have done, with very little relief, why would I continue to see you? I'm pretty sure it was Einstein that said "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity." Guess what, I'm not insane. (Although I will admit that I do have my crazy moments.)

So I asked my primary care physician for a referral. That very first appointment, without any prompting from me, the new doctor told me what he believed was my problem, which is exactly what I had been saying all along. Do I expect him to be able to fix all that I believe you screwed up? No. But I do expect to be in a lot less pain.

I find it ridiculous that your nurse called me to make me feel bad for seeing another doctor. I have no contract with you, verbal or otherwise, that says I have to continue to go to your office. I had no idea that this other doctor was in your "call group" or that they needed to call you before I had my first appointment. I told them that I had been your patient and, the last time I checked, I'm not his secretary. Yes, it may be awkward to run into you after this, but I'd rather take that slight risk if it means I could no longer be in pain.

If I felt any hesitation before today about seeking a second opinion, it is most definitely gone now. I'm very happy that I trusted my instincts and made a choice that I believe will help me. Could I be wrong? Of course. But I will no longer have to continue seeing a doctor who I do not trust and have lost respect for.

I'm doing what is right for me, and that is all you should be concerned with now.

Sincerely,

Amanda, a very unhappy patient

Cat Scan

Bright and early this morning, as in 5:30 am, Tim and I rolled out of bed, made sure our coffee mugs were full and woke up a very sleepy Lauren to head to Hillcrest for her cat scan.

The entire trip there she was super happy, singing and laughing, excited to be going on an "adventure" with mommy and daddy. Her good mood continued through registration, where she waved at everyone that walked by. She was even fine when she met the anesthesiologist and had her vitals checked by the nurse.

Patiently waiting...

After another short wait, it was time to walk her back to start the anesthesia. I tried to keep her calm while she sat on a nurse's lap and had the mask placed over her nose and mouth. She was not happy, and made it very clear that she did not appreciate this invasion of her personal space. It felt like forever, but it was only about 30 seconds before her body went limp, which was one of the freakiest things I've ever seen.

I went back to wait with Tim and only about 15 minutes later the anesthesiologist came to tell us she was fine and that the test would only take another 10-15 minutes. He chatted with us for a few minutes, even talked a little college football. (He was a Sooner fan, but a really nice one.) :) He must have picked up on how uneasy I was feeling because he mentioned that he even gets concerned watching his own kids get anesthesia. That made me feel a little better.

Right on time, we heard a very loud screech from down the hall. We didn't even need someone to tell us she had woken up. We gathered our things and met her in the hallway to go to recovery. She screamed off and on for the next 45 minutes and I tried to apologize to everyone I could. She is loud when she gets going. Taking out the iv helped a little, but not much. Even her milk didn't improve her mood.

I tried to soothe her but she was having none of it...she only wanted her daddy. :)

Awww...poor baby.

Eventually we were wheeled back to the pediatrics' floor - she sat on my lap while I was in the wheelchair - and they checked her stats one more time. Thirty minutes later she was wandering around the room saying "knock knock", which we took to mean she was ready to leave.

On the way home she sang us a chorus of "Eat-eat-eat-eat-eat-eat-eat-eat-eat-eat-eat-eat-eat" to the tune of Beyonce's Single Ladies. That's when I knew she was almost back to normal. After a 3 hour nap she was completely over the whole ordeal.

Our appointment with the ENT is on Monday so hopefully we'll know more then. I think we're all ready for this whole thing to be over.

Lauren's Knot - x's 2

This was Lauren's knot before:

It was roughly quarter sized.

This is Lauren's knot now:

The arrow is actually pointing to a second knot that now sticks out farther than the first knot, which is above it. 

Terrifying. :(

Testing...Again

It's been quite an eventful few weeks for us. Brenden went from having one ear infected to two, I've been sick off and on, Tim's had doctor's appointments for his knee, and Lauren was acting sick so I took her in, too.

It turns out all of her issues are allergy related (Thanks ragweed!) but that nasty knot on her neck has almost doubled in size. Her doctor agreed that we needed more testing so she told me we would schedule an MRI and then meet with Dr. Guy, the ENT. On our way home they called me and asked if we could come back for another x-ray. We live really close so it was no big deal to turn around and I'm glad we were able to do it that day.

At first we were told we could head home when we were done and then changed their mind. We were put into an exam room and told to wait for Dr. Koul, her pediatrician, which really calms the nerves. *sarcasm* It's hard to be told that your child is fine and then a month later have everyone scrambling to get her into specialists because they aren't sure what is really going on.

I was assured that the knot was not impeding on her airway and that at the moment it seemed to be a cyst. Dr. Guy, who she had talked to on the phone, explained that a midline swelling like this is usually a  Thyroglossal Duct Cyst, which isn't uncommon and is very treatable. Instead of an MRI they are going to do a cat scan, which she will have to be sedated for, and if they confirm that it is that type of cyst she will have to have it removed.

The thought of surgery doesn't scare me, I just want that thing out of my daughter. I know the doctor said it isn't hurting her but I can't imagine that it feels good. Plus, I think if we have it done now while she is small then the scar is more likely to fade quickly and she won't remember it.

The cat scan is October 19th and the ENT appointment is October 24th. Hopefully the tests will show, clearly, what is going on. If I'm a bit testy for the next few weeks, please forgive me. It's just hard to look at my sweet, happy daughter and think that anything could be wrong with her.

Happiness Personified

A-OK!

Thank God for answered prayers! Lauren's doctor called today and her x-ray showed that the knot is just a bony mass, not a cyst, lymph node or tumor, and that it's not bothering any other parts of her neck. I made her clarify, twice, that it wasn't life threatening and that we shouldn't be worried about it. She assured me that it was nothing to worry about right now, that we would watch it, and that she didn't expect it to cause any problems.

So, you know, she's starting the whole scaring-her-parents-over-nothing thing early. We knew she was smart, but this kind of advanced can wait. (hehe)

Relieved...so very very relieved. Thank you to everyone who sent a good thought or prayer our way. We really appreciate it!

I love her. :)

Lauren's Knot

This is the bump that is causing us all so much concern. No word from the radiology department. Hopefully soon.

Knoted

There's really not a better word to describe how I feel right now. I'm all tied up in knots, from my head, to my back. Even my legs are aching. I'm so on edge about everything and I'm sure it's driving Tim crazy. I had to hide out in our room last night just to cry it out and get over it. I felt so bad dropping everything in Tim's lap (dinner, playing with the kids, bedtimes) but I think I would have made things even harder. It seems like they all just wanted to make me feel better. Brenden added me to his prayers without being asked. ("And help my mommy feel better. Amen.") Lauren came in right before bed, helped me fold clothes, sang to me, and then grabbed my neck and wouldn't let go when she knew it was bedtime. Thank goodness for all of them.

My stress list (because getting it out always makes me feel better):

1. Lauren. Her blood work came back perfectly normal, which is good and bad. Good, because that means that she doesn't have some crazy infection. Bad, because that means it's probably something worse that will require a more invasive treatment. Like a cyst that will need draining, or worse. I don't even want to think about what may be coming. The waiting is eating me alive. My fears are too much to put into words, so all I can do is push them down, hold her close, and pray that the doctor will figure it out soon.

2. Our car. It is just one big mess. The front left wheel bearing is loose. Both the front and rear differential are leaking or making horrendous noises. The transfer case is borked. Total estimate? $4,400. I'm...still in shock. I seriously thought I might get sick. It has been to 3 different places so far and now we have to get it looked at a 4th time to see if it could be related to the wheel falling off way back in 2008. Best case scenario: Insurance decides it will be covered, it gets fixed and then we sell it. Worst case scenario: It's not covered and we sell it and get Tim a much cheaper car to drive back and forth to work. Either way, that car is gone.

3. Rick. I haven't mentioned much about Rick, which I feel awful about, because I've been so wrapped up in my head worrying about everything. He ended up back at the emergency room on Saturday because he started running a fever. He's been doing chemo and taking it rather well, but this round just really knocked him for a loop. He's been in ICU since that day and they are now moving him to the Oncology floor. He ended up testing positive for strep, which is not surprising with his immune system being so compromised, but it still sucks. Hopefully he'll be home before we make it out there on Saturday, but either way we'll be taking it easy on him. Any good thoughts and prayers would be appreciated.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to say they are thinking of us. Thank you to Tim and the kids for helping me smile.

It's hard to stay sad looking at this face! :)

Testing

Today has been rough on my nerves and my anxiety. The car is something that I'm not even giving a second thought because I just don't have the energy. Instead, I'm worried about Lauren.

A few weeks ago I noticed a knot on her neck, almost like an Adam's apple. I didn't think much of it. She's been cranky and fighting sleep for awhile but I figured it was all part of teething. Then, on Friday, I realized that the knot looked bigger. It was much bigger than a pebble, a lot closer to golf ball sized than I originally thought. (Or it grew, I'm not sure.) It was constantly running through my mind all weekend and I was anxious to get her into her doctor today.

(The waiting room experience today was a mess. I think the appointment time was WAY too close to nap time. Neither kid would calm down and Lauren kept flinging herself on the floor while Brenden pouted at everyone. Ridiculous.)

Upon first examining it, her doctor didn't seem so concerned. When I finally leaned Lauren's head back and the knot became more prominent, she told me that it was good that I brought her in. She sent us downstairs to get x-rays and some blood drawn.

I'm not sure what planet my children come from, but I'm sure it's one of opposites. Where most kids are hesitant, my kids are fearless. It's rare for one of them to dislike someone. And where most kids are okay in the waiting room and then throw fits anytime a doctor gets near them, my kids are the crazy ones that won't sit still until they are having their temperature taken or have their ears examined.

I should have known, since they are from the land of whatever-you-think-we'll-do-we're-going-to-do-the-opposite, that Lauren would have no problem having her x-rays done. She wasn't bothered by the tiny lead apron she had to wear, she stood still, let us position her and even got mad when we were through. Camera hog, anyone? Next, we headed over to have her blood drawn. I expected a huge fight with tears and a runny nose and the worst scream you could ever imagine. Yes, she cried. Yes, there were tears and snot and screaming. It just wasn't nearly as loud or as long as I expected. As soon as they were done she calmed down, said thank you, and calmly walked out the door.

Hopefully we will have some answers, soon. So far the doctor mentioned that it could be a lymph node, a bony mass, or a tumor. The best case scenario would be a small infection (she doesn't have a fever, though) that would require some antibiotics. We're all praying that it's nothing more serious.

My brave girl with her x-ray sticker, her Thomas sticker that she chose for doing so well with the blood draw, and her poor bandaged elbow. 

Relieved

Like most parents, I only want what is best for my children. If they are in pain I would do anything to fix it, which is why we had tubes put in Lauren's ears. (So thankful we did.) If they cannot figure out how to do something, we teach them. And if we think they may be delayed, we have them checked out before it becomes an even bigger issue. That's why, after consulting with an ENT, we decided to get Brenden's hearing and speech evaluated.

His hearing test was a few weeks ago. I wasn't sure what to expect and I didn't know how Brenden would behave. It turned out to be pretty simple and Brenden did better than I could have ever expected. They tested the pressure in his ears and how his middle ear reacted to sound, which were both fine. Next, she showed him a paper with pictures on it and made sure he knew what they all were. Then she closed us into a sound proof booth, put some headphones on him, and asked him to point to different things, which he did with no problems.

His last test was to clap when he heard beeps, which he thought was hilarious. A few minutes later she declared his hearing to be "perfect". She also said that he did extremely well and surprised her by following all of her directions. I have to admit, I was surprised, too. His reward was a toy car from their office and a chocolate shake from Braum's, plus lots of "good job, Brenden!"

Today we had his speech evaluation. This was the one that made me the most nervous. Ever since he started preschool I've been concerned that he is behind. I even had a nosy rude concerned grandparent at the park ask me if he was in speech therapy yet, but I think that's because her daughter is a speech therapist. I really wanted to know if there was anything we needed to be doing at home to help him or if something more worrisome was going on.

The doctor was extremely nice and Brenden was immediately at ease with her, which he is with most people. She had him tell her about different pictures, all of which he was able to identify. In the middle of that she turned to me and said, "He's got a great vocabulary. Most three year olds don't know all of these." At the end, she let him play with some toys while she explained what the test showed.

Surprisingly, he's a little ahead of the curve. He's 3 years 9 months and he's on par with a 3 year 11 month old, so just a bit. She said that he can say all of the different sounds but that he just doesn't have them all in the right places yet, which is totally normal. For example, he substitutes "W's" for "L's" (Example: Saying "ye-whoa" instead of "yellow") but that's okay. He can say them, which means eventually he'll get them in the right places.

Besides learning that he's totally okay and that there is no need to worry or do any special work with him, she also explained that most kids are resistant if you ask them to say a certain sound. I've noticed that he does this if we ask him to correct a way he says something. Like "wipe" when he really means "white". The best way to handle it is to repeat the word back to him correctly, which we usually do. Someday he'll get it on his own.

I am just so completely relieved to know exactly where he stands and that he's on track for his age. If there had been something we needed to work on we would have done it, but now we can focus on other things to help him out next year in school, like writing his letters and knowing the sounds they make.

Or maybe how to play nicely with his sister. That would help a ton. :)

It may look like a hug, but he's really trying to tackle her. Sigh...

We Got Ears, Say Cheers!

Today was Brenden's hearing test and I have to say, I was nervous. I've been concerned about his speech for awhile since it seems like Lauren picks up on certain sounds better than he does. His ENT wasn't concerned about his ears, but agreed that a hearing test would still be a good idea to make sure he's where he should be.

Before we left, I told him that we were going to get his ears checked out and that if he was really good that we would get ice cream afterwards. Ice cream = Most Awesome Thing Ever in Brenden's universe. I'm always worried about how he'll act at the doctor's office, but I should have known better.

The doctor was so very nice and explained everything really well. She checked the pressure in his ears, which was great, and then used something that tested how well his cochlea responded, which was also great.

Next, we went into the sound proof box, which was kind of a strange experience. Sort of like being in an airplane when they start messing with the pressure. I held a piece of paper up with different objects on it while Brenden listened to the doctor through the headphones. He pointed to every object that she said. After that he had to clap any time he hear beeping. The whole thing took about 10 minutes and she pronounced his hearing to be "perfect."

The doctor was completely surprised at how well he listened and followed directions. She made sure to tell me that several times, actually. Brenden knowing his shapes or showing off his intelligence in other ways makes me very proud, but I have to admit that I'd take him being well behaved over showing off any day.

His speech evaluation is scheduled for a few weeks from now. I'm ready to have that over and done with. I'm sure that they will be able to give us some great information as well as ease my concerns a little bit.

Until then, I'm going to enjoy the ice cream that we all got for Brenden doing so well. Don't worry, he got one, too. He said, "Yay! Chocolate!"

Something Serious (PPD)

Invisible pressure crawls up my spine. I feel it tugging at the back of my neck. I can't stop myself from stretching, moving...trying anything to make it go away. Soon, it bubbles up to the top of my head, making every day life almost impossible. It's time to call the doctor again, to increase the dose of my medication. I breathe deeply, knowing that life could be so much worse.

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I usually spend my posts on this blog talking about the fun things my family was able to do, or the not-so-fun things that popped up to drive us crazy. I talk about my adorable, fabulous children and everything that they do to make life worthwhile. This time, I want to share one of my personal struggles - postpartum depression. It's not easy to talk about. It's not easy to deal with. I guess I just feel like I should share my story. Maybe if one person reads it and can feel some solidarity in this crazy thing they call "motherhood" then it will be a good thing.

I've read several articles about it since I became Brenden's mommy back in 2007. Some are personal blogs, others are actual medical references, like the Mayo Clinic link above. I even bought a book hoping to see some of the things that I had experienced put on paper, to prove to myself that I wasn't the only one who had gone through it.

When Brenden was born everything started swirling downward pretty quickly. Breastfeeding was absolutely horrendous for me. I never felt the bond that so many moms feel, the warm fuzzies that feeding my child should have given me. All I felt was pain. I did every thing I could to succeed. I called a friend that is a doula. I met with a lady from La Leche League who really did nothing for me. Eventually I developed mastitis, an infection in a milk duct, and then thrush, another common infection. By the time he was 5 weeks old I was done, and by the time he was 8 weeks old he was completely weened. I still remember, fondly, the last time I ever fed him. Of course, it wasn't a fond memory because it was so special. I was just so happy to be done.

Fast forward 18 months. We've dealt with moving back home, trying to sell a house in a terrible market, and living with Tim's parents. (Who were, and still are, fabulous. I'm not sure how they lived with my sullen self.) We finally found a way to move into our own house, ended up selling our house in Colorado rather quickly, and things were looking up. Still, I was having daily struggles with even the simplest of tasks. I was never happy. I cried...a lot. I was constantly tired. Finally, I made the decision to go to the doctor, where I quickly broke down.

He put me on Zoloft, which I had been on twice before. Once, when I was graduating from college and my world felt like it had collapsed. Then again when Tim was in Iraq. (I don't think that needs an explanation.) I did feel better, but it had some side effects that weren't making me happy. I think we switched medications at least 3 times, and then I got pregnant with Lauren. There was no way I was going to take them while I was pregnant so I stopped.

The funny thing is, I felt wonderful while I was pregnant, at least mentally. I had morning sickness and I was exhausted, but I didn't feel the crushing weight that used to suffocate me. I thought maybe, just maybe, it would be different this time. It only took me 4 weeks to realize I needed help again.

Walking into a different doctors office was scary. They didn't know what I was dealing with or how I had been before. Thankfully, both of the doctors there were more than helpful. All I said was, "I have a 2 year old and a 4 week old and I need help." I've had to switch medication a few times, try out some herbal supplements, but I know it's going to be okay. My main issue seems to be a lack of progesterone. Hormones are such a pain!

Every day isn't perfect. Sometimes I can feel it creeping up on me again, which is when I call the doctor for an appointment to adjust things. I've also started working out, which has helped more than I could have ever imagined. Not only do I feel stronger and healthier, I have more energy. It was rough getting started, but it's worth it. The best thing is that now, I know that my life is good, that I'm blessed with a wonderful husband and two great kids. Sometimes, my brain just doesn't recognize that fact and makes mountains out of molehills. It's like a veil of unhappiness drops and makes life unbearable. I just need some help to lift it.

~~~~~

A huge thank you to everyone who has listened and helped me through the past few years. Thank you for still helping. I may not have explained things fully, but just being there meant so much. Thank you to my kids for still loving me when I was clearly not the best mommy I could be. And the biggest thank you to Tim who has borne the brunt of all the bad things that my brain throws out. I love you more than I could ever say, even on the days when it seems like I don't. Thank you for sticking with me when you had every reason to run away.

Flaws

When you first see your baby you see perfection, and my babies were no exception. Little baby fingers and toes, tiny eyelashes, and hair softer than you could ever imagine. Eventually you realize that they have their flaws, and my kids definitely have them, but those flaws never matter.

Brenden had eczema and it was awful. At first we we were told it was just regular cradle cap and we scrubbed it like they told us to. Have you ever dealt with eczema? Scratching and rubbing are the worst things you could ever do. The poor boy couldn't grow hair and had to sleep with socks on his hands to keep him from making new scratches at night. One trip to the allergist at 7 months, some Allegra and some Protopic, and he was so much better.

Oh! I scratched my head!

I love Lauren's beautiful blue eyes, but her right eye has always been a problem. From the first day it was runny and eventually it got to the point where it would seal shut overnight from the gunkiness. Then it became red, itchy, and we had to constantly clean the green goop off of it. This was not an ideal situation. Her pediatrician diagnosed her with a tear duct that was too small at her 2 week appointment. She said that it would eventually open up and all of her symptoms would go away. She also explained that we needed to massage from the corner of her eye and down the side of her nose several times a day.

Her poor eye!

For months we waited to see some improvement. Antibiotics always helped, the eye drops the doctor gave us helped, but it never lasted. We were always back to cleaning it, always back to worrying about the redness. Then, I took her to see the mean doctor who told me she needed a tube. He handed me the prescription for antibiotics and told me to use a warm compress on her eye. Two days later...it was completely better. What's more, she hasn't had any redness, it hasn't been runny, and she has stopped scratching at it.

SO much better!

I took her back to her regular pediatrician this past Monday and she proclaimed her ears to be "perfect." Then I asked about her eye. She's not sure if it was ready to open, the antibiotics took care of it, the warm compress helped, or a combination, but she said that her eye looks wonderful. We could not be happier!

Now, if we could just get Brenden to go to the bathroom by himself without a huge showdown and teach Lauren to crawl on her knees and not her belly so she'll stop spitting up, we'd be good to go!

If It's Not My Finger, It's My Toe

Awhile back I had some problems with a cyst in the end of my finger. I felt so silly going in complaining about the end of my finger hurting. It's not like my hand was broken, but it hurt for a really long time and I eventually got sick of it. I'm glad I had it checked out and it finally healed on it's own. Now, it's not my finger, but my toe. It's been hurting on and off for over a year and after I wore heels at my brother's wedding in October my toe went completely numb. Two weeks later it was still numb and I realized that I really needed to go in.

The first appointment they took x-rays and checked to make sure that it wasn't a problem in the joint or with the bone. When nothing showed up the doctor decided that it was capsulitis and treated it with a cortisone shot right into the joint. Can you say OUCH? I could feel the pain all the way up my leg. A few weeks later I went back and since I was still in pain he thought that there was a nerve that was involved. He poked around on my ankle, which was strange, but it actually caused pain in my toe. He gave me another shot in my leg to try to calm down the nerve and set another appointment to check up on my progress.

Yesterday I went back and, based on the fact that the pain is now constant, he has decided it is definitely the ligament and not the nerve. If it had been a nerve problem he would have referred me to a back specialist to make sure that I didn't have arthritis or some other problem that was causing nerve damage. (That was a scary thought!) He gave me yet another shot into my joint, which hurt soooo badly, and if this doesn't work then the next step is surgery.

Surgery! I am not looking forward to the idea of that. He would have to go in and reattach the ligament correctly. I cannot imagine how long it would take to recover from that, especially having to run after two kids all day long. I'd rather have 10 more ridiculously painful shots than have surgery.

I guess I should ask Santa for an easy fix for my foot. Anyone have a direct line to the big man?